Talking with my boyfriend (an introduction post about him will come once there is more water under that bridge) this morning, I realized how far removed the idea of doing things with family is to me. It is somewhat weird that people see and talk to family members every day or regularly. For me, this feeling extends beyond family into friendship. The last of my immediate family passed away in 2004. However, it was closer to 2002 since we had all been together. My late mother kept the family close; therefore, without that anchor, we drifted away.
Neediness vs. Trust
I routinely say, “Oh, I do not need to talk to my friends everyday or consistently. I am not that needy.” In reality, I am that destitute for the closeness of friends. When I finally do see my friends, I never want it to end. I try to have conversations with delivery people, rideshare drivers, clerks, cashiers, and sometimes various customers. Obviously, I crave bonds with other humans.
If it is not neediness, then what is the obstacle? My concern was trust. I did not want to establish a regular routine because if it was broken, I would be crushed. I love my friends and truly desire full ties with them. Therefore, I want to lean deeper into understanding that variance does not necessarily mean a lack of affection or loyalty. Moreover, I want to trust there is no aim to be hurtful. Of course, loved ones hurt each other; there are no guarantees, but generally, this happens by mistake.
Frequently I have said, “the hard work is never done.” Just like most things in life, there are layers. Wellness is among that group because we continue redefining and shaping our understanding of the world as we interact with it and our perceptions change. As we move through the layers, some artifacts of our thinking become nuanced while others take bold strides. Consequently, we often find ourselves adjusting our beliefs and tendencies throughout our lives.
Moving forward, it will be important to me to nourish my friendship ties in an effort to be more connected with my world. Friends and family are a blessing from the universe. Making and keeping companions is a skill that many have problems mastering. While I may not be an expert in that realm, I intend to spend more time nurturing current connections and fostering new ones.
I am starting to realize nothing feels quite like the closeness of friends and family.