A year ago today, I wrote this letter and posted it on Facebook. For the first time, I could see the love I had for myself. My love wasn't this abstract concept I was trying to force myself to believe. I was truly smitten with myself. There was no shame or conceit in this self-admiration. Today, I still feel the same.
At the beginning of my mental health journey, I thought being aware was the entire battle. My Virgo mind assumed knowing my behavior was unacceptable, toxic, and wrong would be enough to counteract it.
I love to cook, in case you have not noticed. In my (not so) humble opinion, I tend to be pretty good at it. Recently, I realized I was using my cooking abilities in both a healthy and unhealthy manner. As I look back over the years, I can see where I used it as a tool to get people to like me. Moreover, I would use my culinary prowess to get praise and acceptance.
When holding on becomes to painful, we often forgot we have the option to release. We only think about how painful it will be after letting go, while ignoring the current pain we are currently experiencing. It is important to remember while we are holding on the pain is indefinite. After letting go, healing can start. The wound cant start to heal, taking the pain with it.
Today, I decided I needed a self-care day. It was a difficult, emotional past few months. I'm finally back in Ohio. Yet, my tension are still quite high. It has been a while since, I had taken some time to myself, alone. It was time I put everyone else on hold. For a few hours, I need to shrug off all my stress, hurt and confusion.
When life gives you lemons, they said you should make lemonade. There are times when the lemons are so tart, it doesn't seem as if they will be enough water or sugar to make the lemonade sweet enough to be enjoyed. This is the exact situation, which brings me back in California.
Waking up with anxiety is not fun. It is even worse when there is a long list of appointment before me. After taking a couple of long, slow deep breaths, I was able to thoughts. At least long enough to formulate a plan to grab some peace before the possible storm.
Over the last few months, I noticed there are a few people I am really down with and a few people who are really down with me. The interesting thing about this, both said not contain the same people. I have changed how I interact with a lot of people; some do not seem to have noticed.
It is almost embarrassing to admit for over three decades, I lived in fear. Even as fear strangled my dreams, my forward progress and even my healing, I would still cling to it. Fear was so familiar, it was cuddling up with a sharp sword.
After being cooped up in the house a night out in Dayton was on the menu. However, this is my first winter here in Ohio. Now being a California girl, this single-digit weather does not agree with my constitution. That being said, it is not as bad as I thought it would be. It has been a while since I had been out and about. When I found out Picwas having mac-n-cheese pop up at Toxic Brew Company, it was the perfect reason to brave the elements.